Self-Esteem and Happiness: Stop Waiting for the “Right” Conditions

It is not uncommon for clients to say, “I will be happy when…” or “I will like me when…”

Then they have a list of situations or events that need to occur before they can be happy or like themselves.

Everyone’s list is different, depending on their own situations and beliefs. It can include things like:

• When I lose weight.

• When I make more money or get a raise.

• When I get a boyfriend or girlfriend.

• When I get a new car.

• When my husband treats me better.

• When I get a better job or finish my education.

• When I overcome my weaknesses.

It does not matter what is on the list.

Even when a person gets what they want—they lose weight, make more money, get the raise, find a boyfriend or girlfriend, buy the new car, improve their marriage, obtain a better job, finish their education, or overcome some weaknesses—they still may not like themselves, and they still may not be happy.

They simply add new things to the list.

The Conditions of Happiness

I sarcastically call Conditions of Happiness and Conditions of Good Self-Esteem the actual conditions of unhappiness and low self-esteem.

The problem is found in the phrases:

“I will be happy when…”

and

“I will like me when…”

They are a setup.

What they really mean is:

“I can’t be happy now.”

“I can’t like me now.”

I can’t be happy now because of my weight, my lack of money, my lack of a boyfriend or girlfriend, my circumstances, my weaknesses, or whatever else happens to be on my list.

The person is continually postponing happiness or good self-esteem because of their situations or perceptions.

Replace “When” With “Despite”

To have a better result, a person has to replace:

“I will be happy when…”

with:

“I will be happy despite…”

And replace:

“I will like me when…”

with:

“I will like me despite…”

A person can still have issues they do not care for. They may be overweight. They may not have enough money. They may not have a boyfriend or girlfriend. They may be struggling with work, relationships, weaknesses, or other unpleasant circumstances.

But they don't have to allow those issues to determine their happiness or self-esteem.

You can experience happiness and have good self-esteem while also experiencing problems and unpleasant circumstances.

A Lesson I Learned at 19

I learned this lesson the hard way as a 19-year-old proselyting missionary for my church.

Two and a half months into my mission, in December 1982, I was allowed to call home on Christmas Day. I spent the first 15–20 minutes complaining to my parents about the difficulties I was facing, which seemed insurmountable to me.

Finally, my dad said:

“James, I challenge you to find joy on your mission.”

I was very angry with my dad when he made that request.

I thought, My dad is still not listening to me. He does not get it.

What my dad knew—and I did not realize—was that it was going to get worse. Much worse.

But he was making a larger point.

If I waited for the right mission, the right language, the right companion, the right college major, the right spouse, the right in-laws, the right career, the right church calling, the right house, or the right circumstances before I allowed myself to be happy or like myself, I was never going to be happy or like myself.

I had originally been called to serve in the Curitiba, Brazil Mission, but I was currently serving in the New York, New York Mission. I was speaking English instead of the Portuguese I had spent 10 weeks in the Missionary Training Center trying to learn.

My circumstances were not what I had expected.

I needed to apply:

“I will be happy despite…”

and

“I will like me despite…”

I needed to find joy every day despite my current circumstances rather than waiting for my circumstances to change.

I was able to do that consistently.

It changed the trajectory of my mission into a positive experience, and it also changed the trajectory of my life.

The Three “Pillars of Truth” and Self-Esteem

Many individuals enter outpatient counseling because they report having low self-esteem or low self-worth and want it to improve.

First, I must remind you:

Self-esteem is an opinion. That is all.

It is a person’s own opinion of their overall value or importance.

It is not a fixed quality like height or eye color—things that are not easily changeable.

Opinions are changeable.

The real question is whether our opinion—our self-esteem—is accurate.

There are famous people who appear to feel very good about themselves. Then you learn more about their personal activities—affairs, abuse, fraud, crimes—and you wonder, How can they be so pleased with themselves? How are they not disappointed with what they are doing?

On the other hand, there are an abundance of people, including many of my clients, whom I believe do not like themselves enough and should be more pleased with who they are.

Where Does Low Self-Esteem Come From?

There are many reasons a person might develop low self-esteem, and every person’s situation is different.

For each individual, I would have to listen carefully to what they have done, what they have not done, and what they have experienced from others to understand what helped shape their low self-esteem.

For many individuals, however, there is a common pattern behind why they have not valued themselves for years.

I sarcastically refer to this pattern as the Three Pillars of Truth:

1. Longevity

2. Familiarity

3. Consensus

   
   

1. Longevity

I have thought this way for a long time—for as long as I can remember.

I just have not liked myself because I have not liked myself. I don’t know anything different.

Longevity refers to the length of time a person has thought a certain way.

The longer we have believed something, the easier it becomes to mistake that belief for truth.

2. Familiarity

This is how I think, day in and day out.

These negative tapes are the tapes playing in my head all the time.

These automatic negative thoughts—ANTs—are what a person rehearses frequently and consistently. Over time, these thoughts can become increasingly severe and ingrained.

Familiarity can begin to feel like evidence.

But something feeling familiar does not make it true.

3. Consensus

Other people have helped me think this way.

The way they have treated me has helped me conclude that I am not important.

Significant people in a person’s life may have viewed them negatively and made their shortcomings—and their disappointment in them—very clear.

The individual did not necessarily arrive at their low sense of value or importance based solely on their own thoughts.

Other people helped reinforce it.

When Familiarity Feels Like Truth

There is a term used in psychotherapy called psychological mindedness.

Psychological mindedness refers to a person’s capacity for self-examination, self-reflection, introspection, and personal insight. Every human being differs in that capacity.

Individuals who are limited in that capacity can have tremendous difficulty changing their opinion regarding their low self-esteem once they have made up their minds.

They seem strongly influenced by the pillars of Longevity and Familiarity.

They tend to trust what I call “what got there first.”

In other words, they trust the way they have thought for the longest period of time and the thoughts with which they are most familiar—even when they know their thinking may be wrong.

No matter how sound my reasoning may be with these clients, they often cling to what they have known the longest.

The Earth Is Flat

At this point, I write on my dry-erase board:

“The Earth is flat.”

Is that true? Is that accurate?

People believed this for a very long time—Longevity.

It was a familiar way of understanding the world—Familiarity.

And it was a belief shared by others—Consensus.

It meets the criteria for all Three Pillars of Truth.

And yet:

The Earth is not flat.

A belief does not become true simply because you have believed it for a long time, thought about it repeatedly, or heard it reinforced by other people.

The same principle applies to the beliefs you hold about yourself.

The Book of Mormon Example

Most of my clients have been active members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, so I have used another example with them.

I write on my dry-erase board:

“The Book of Mormon is crap.”

Then I ask: Is that true? Is that accurate?

Many people have thought negatively about the Book of Mormon since it was first published in 1830—Longevity.

Those beliefs have been repeated consistently and frequently, often accompanied by strong negative feelings—Familiarity.

And many people share those beliefs. Those who believe differently may be labeled as cultists, anti-Christian, or believers in a false God or false prophets—Consensus.

The belief can meet all Three Pillars of Truth.

I am going to tell you that does not make it true.

God Is Truth

For people of faith, there is a different standard.

God is truth. He is never wrong.

If you look at yourself—if you value yourself—the way God looks at and values you, then you are seeing the truth about yourself.

And as John 8:32 teaches:

“The truth shall make you free.”

That truth can help set you free from low self-esteem, negative emotions, bad habits, and unhealthy relationships.

It can lead to greater self-esteem, greater happiness and joy, and healthier relationships.

You Do Not Have to Wait

You do not have to wait until everything on your list is fixed before deciding that your life has value.

You do not have to wait until your circumstances change before allowing yourself to experience joy.

And you do not have to accept a negative belief about yourself simply because you have believed it for years, repeated it thousands of times, or had others reinforce it.

Instead of saying:

“I will be happy when…”

try:

“I will be happy despite…”

Instead of saying:

“I will like me when…”

try:

“I will like me despite…”

And when an old belief tells you that you are not valuable, ask a different question:

Is this actually true—or has it simply been there a long time?