Many times, individuals enter outpatient counseling because they self-report having low self-esteem or low self-worth, and they want it to improve. First, I must remind you that self-esteem is an opinion. That is all. It is a person’s own opinion of their overall value or importance.

It is not a fixed quality like height or eye color, things that are not changeable. Opinions are changeable. The real question is whether our opinion, our self-esteem, is accurate or not.

Some famous people really seem to feel good about themselves (like politicians), and then when you learn more about their personal activities like affairs, abuse, fraud, crimes, you question, “How can they be so pleased? How are they not disappointed with what they are doing?”

On the other hand, there are an abundance of people (like most of my clients) whom I believe don’t like themselves enough and should be more pleased with who they are.

There are a large number of reasons why any person might have low self-esteem, and every person’s situation is different. For each individual, I would have to listen carefully to see what they have done or not done, or what they have experienced from others, to help shape their having low self-esteem.

For most individuals, there is a common pattern of why they have not valued themselves for years. I sarcastically refer to this pattern as the 3 Pillars of Truth: Longevity, Familiarity, and Consensus.

1). Longevity

I have thought this way a long time, for as long as I can remember. I just have not liked myself because I have not liked myself. I don’t know any difference.

This refers to the length of time a person has thought a certain way.

2). Familiarity

This is how I think, day in, day out. These negative tapes are the tapes playing in my head all the time.

These automatic negative thoughts (ANT’s) are what I rehearse frequently and consistently. These thoughts become more severe and ingrained.

3). Consensus

Others have helped me think this way. The way they have treated me has helped me come to this conclusion that I am not important.

Significant people in my life have viewed me negatively and have been very clear about my shortcomings and how I am a disappointment to them.

I did not come to this conclusion about my low sense of value or importance just based on my own thoughts.

There is a term used in psychotherapy called psychologically-minded. Psychological mindedness refers to a person’s capacity for self-examination, self-reflection, introspection, and personal insight. Every human being differs in that capacity.

Individuals limited in that capacity have tremendous difficulty changing their opinion of their low self-esteem once they have made up their mind. They seem strongly influenced by the pillars of Longevity and Familiarity.

They tend to trust what I call “what got there first”. That is, what they have thought for the longest period of time and what they are the most familiar with. Even if they know their thinking is wrong.

No matter how sound my reasoning is (how truthful it is) with these clients, they cling to what they have known the most.

I then write on my dry-erase board for my clients, “The earth is flat.” Is that true? Is that accurate?

People thought this way for decades, if not centuries (longevity); This is the way they thought, day in, day out, consistently and frequently (familiarity); And everyone thought this way and if you thought differently, it could put your life in peril (consensus).

While it meets the 3 Pillars of Truth, it is not true. The earth is not flat.

Most of my clients have been active members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, so I write on my dry-erase board, “The Book of Mormon is crap”. Is that true? Is that accurate?

Most people have thought this way since it was first published in 1830, almost 200 years ago (longevity). This is the way most people have thought, resulting in strong, negative feelings, day in, day out, consistently and frequently (familiarity). Most everyone has thought this way, and if you think differently, you will be labeled as a cultist, anti-Christ, or a believer in a false God and false prophets (consensus).

I am going to tell you it is not true even though it meets the 3 Pillars of Truth.

God is the truth. He is never wrong.

If you look at yourself (value you) the way God looks at you (values you), you are seeing the truth about you.

That truth will set you free (John 8:32) from lower self-esteem, negative emotions, bad habits, and unhealthy relationships.

It will lead to greater self-esteem, greater happiness/joy, and healthier relationships.